B.O.O.B.S.

Back-To-Back BOOBS

A chill came over the bar as two BOOBS stood back to back, each feeling every nervous flutter and stuttering breath that the other was trying to hide. The voracious crowd of BOOBS and callous bystanders hoping to see blood counted down from what seemed an eternity. The BOOBS took six even paces, at peace with mistakes they’d made on the turf or during recent flip cup rounds. The duellists emptied their cups in a heartbeat, turned, locked eyes and fired.

But let’s rewind.

The sheer number of BOOBS that MURDA (in maroon) saw as they walked onto the court for last night’s match was enough to strike fear into the most liberal of parents’ hearts. A full rack of BOOBS is a beautiful sight, and MURDA were clearly intimidated by the view as they struggled to control their spikes early on. Things were tight in that first game, but right towards the end BOOBS kept trying to go solo, not realising that they worked best in pairs, and MURDA took the game by a couple of points.

The second game was, again, agonizingly close as the BOOBS struggled to adjust to their new size, with so much of the BOOBS on the side at any one point that it was hard for them all to get attention and stay motivated. Quick rotation of the BOOBS was found to be extremely enjoyable, and BOOBS’ handling was fantastic. Still though, constantly twisting the BOOBS and moving them in and out came at a price, and MURDA wrapped up the second game by another small margin.

In the third, BOOBS threw off their training bras and embraced their new-found enormity. MURDA were shocked and could do little more than stand there as the points came in;- BOOBS were pretty much just playing with themselves towards the end of the 25-9 rout that closed off the match.

Back at the bar, old rivals Highway To The Danger Zone and drinking buddies from You Got Served were glad to see the boys-to-BOOBS ratio swell up, but after a few hotly contested games of flip cup and beer pong, a gauntlet was thrown down. No-one is sure what the root cause was: perhaps a disagreement over lingerie or a careless comment about cleavage, but soon BOOBS were facing off in a beer duel, recorded here for posterity.

The duellists emptied their cups in a heartbeat, turned, locked eyes and fired. Their cups collided in mid-air and BOOBS remained whole.

Topless BOOBS

Rumour! Mystery! Intrigue! The headlines this week were more focused on what the BOOBS were doing behind closed doors rather than how they’d be bouncing and swinging in last night’s game against Club Spike.

Directly after Tuesday’s match the rumours started: did one of the BOOBS really try to leave with turf in their pocket? Despite BOOBS’ protestations that they were simply distributing illicit drugs, doubt remained. Then, on game-day, it was confirmed that the BOOBS really would be topless, with their captain away being fitted for new lingerie. As the minutes edged closer to the 10pm forfeit mark, BOOBS seemed destined to fall foul of the rule that their team must have two BOOBS bigger than an a-cup to start. A breath of relief came at 9:59pm though, as it was revealed that the topless BOOBS were just teasing, and the game was ready to begin.

It would have been easy for the BOOBS to be distracted after all this, but they brushed off the gossip, and right from the first whistle they were looking hot. There were a couple of slips but BOOBS were well supported and remained up to win 25-12.

After their initial awkwardness, Club Spike began to apply pressure to the BOOBS in the second game but the BOOBS, if anything, actively enjoyed feeling the pressure and were soon all over their opponents’ spikes. Things only got more intense, hot and sweatier until, after some breathtaking sets, both teams collapsed into uncertain, fumbling gropes and things remained stilted for the rest of Club Spike’s second game win.

With all to play for in the third game, and the shameful memory of the second game fresh in everyone’s mind, the BOOBS began to sag. Desperately trying to impress Club Spike, to show them that they weren’t just good for a brief moment of passion and that they had more to give, the BOOBS almost seemed to be trying too hard, with overly ambitious openers and elaborate dives that they didn’t complete. Still, the game was tight, and after BOOBS finished off a beautiful scramble on both sides for the most hotly contested point of the evening, it seemed the BOOBS could make their comeback. Alas, it was not to be and Club Spike took the game and the match with a 25-23 win.

As of the time of writing, Club Spike have not yet called, and the BOOBS are wondering if it’s even possible to find a Spike in this city that wants them for more than 45 minutes of fun and games.

AA Cups

BOOBS were out late in Chelsea last night - to the surprise of some passers-by and tourists - for a 10pm start against red team Kwittken & Company, who all work in PR for…Kwittken & Company. Real original naming there guys.

In a tactic taken straight from the final film of the epic trilogy ‘Naughty Nurses of Hardwood Hospital’ some fresh BOOBS were brought in to bounce alongside well-known BOOBS and spirits were high. The BOOBS were a little more used to playing with other BOOBS, and after warming up the game started with some hot BOOBS showing off their push-ups.

Soon though, came a dry spell where, despite BOOBS flying in all directions, they just couldn’t get near any balls, and the first game, like Czechoslovakia in 1948, went the way of the reds.

In the second game, one of the BOOBS tried the novel approach of giving head, but the referee ruled that the only acceptable way to play with his balls was with the hands. Despite Kwittken & Company diving into the net like dolphins in the Pacific, BOOBS just couldn’t stay up and soon the second game was lost too.

It would be easy for BOOBS to be deflated after this, but they stayed naturally hard. The side-BOOBS started making some noise and the BOOBS soon found an unstoppable combination, with some delicate touching of balls followed up by a big hit from the biggest of the BOOBS to finish. That trilogy truly was an inspiration.

The final game ended 25-12 and the BOOBS moved up from their training bras into AA cups. They’re only getting bigger from here.

Training Bras

Well, last night was the BOOBS first outing, and with a couple of BOOBS feeling a bit saggy or being commandeered by their employers (I thought there were laws against that now) it was up to the remaining BOOBS to show us how pert and perky they were.

On the field, Top Gun fan club Highway To The Danger Zone were trying from the outset to keep the BOOBS on the bottom like Tom Cruise all over Kelly McGillis, but the BOOBS just kept bouncing back in three close-fought games that, alas, went the way of Maverick;- straight to the Danger Zone.

There was a good display of BOOBS at the bar though, with some BOOBS shaking their thing to the music and other BOOBS getting covered in beer. The BOOBS were there all night and the more the other teams drank, the more they wanted to be around the BOOBS. Who knew?

You can’t keep good BOOBS down, and with a good mixture of big BOOBS that can get right in their opponents’ faces, and smaller BOOBS that always seem to be wherever the balls are, the BOOBS will be coming out of their training bras next week to show Kwittken & Company (Tuesday) and Club Spike (Thursday) what is rumoured to be their very first view of some great BOOBS.

The BOOBS

The BOOBS